Having no sisters with children and hardly any close friends who had recently had babies, before becoming pregnant, most of my knowledge about the actual pregnancy sadly came from movies and television. I assumed I would be as adorable as Rachel Green or Daphne Moon and that most pregnancy inconveniences would involve my husband dashing out at 3 a.m. to satisfy my intense cravings for Wendy’s Frosties. What a lovely little bubble that was.
Pregnancy is an incredible time filled with excitement and anticipation (with a healthy dose of fear…). However, there are actually some bizarre things that happen that not one of my television friends cared to tell me about.
1. Leg cramps
I had never heard of these before until one night my husband woke up to me grasping at my calves and screaming. Apparently, these are super common. For those who may not quite grasp this experience, what essentially happens is that a wild animal sneaks into your bed in the middle of the night, crawls into your calf, and proceeds to ferociously eat your calf muscle from the inside. These cramps most often happen while you’re sleeping and can be indescribably agonizing.
Unfortunately, there is little to do to 100% prevent these living nightmares. However, walking as much as possible during the day and staying hydrated seem to help keep them manageable.
2. First-trimester exhaustion
I think if I could sit someone down wanting to get pregnant and shake one piece of information into her, it would be this:
You will be more exhausted than you have ever thought possible in the first trimester.
You will be so tired that you will lie down on the couch, look at the remote, and then sob because you have to sit up to change the channel. You will be so tired that you could literally fall asleep on a conference call. When I say tired, I don’t mean “you might need an extra 30 minutes of sleep every night.” I mean, “you will have the energy level of a comatose sloth.”
3. Deteriorating eyesight
Supposedly this might not be as common or noticeable if you already wear glasses. Yet a real-life side effect of pregnancy is that the extra fluids in your body can temporarily change the shape of your corneas, resulting in blurred vision.
As someone who has never worn glasses or contacts, this was especially disconcerting until I realized that this was another human-growing side effect. Luckily, there is a very simple cure: giving birth!
4. The length of time of actually needing maternity clothes
This one may have actually been my own personal inability to grip with reality, but before getting pregnant I thought that, “Oh, well, pregnancy is 9 months, and I’ll get to wear adorable new maternity clothes for 9 months! Awesome! NEW WARDROBE! I will be adorable!”
Wrong.
What I didn’t realize was that you actually go through about 3 months or so of just looking generally bloaty/puffy where actual maternity clothes don’t quite fit you, but neither do your normal clothes. This leaves you 6 months to then become baffled at how expensive maternity clothes are for such a temporary state of existence. Luckily you will probably end up wearing your maternity clothes for at least a month after your baby is born, so all is not totally lost.
However, this all comes crashing down when overnight you find yourself needing maternity clothes and suddenly everything that may, yes, technically zip up, looks completely ill-proportioned and horrible. Seriously folks. Overnight. One day I looked fine/acceptable/passable in non-maternity clothes and the next day I didn’t.
Trust me when I say, you shouldn’t wait until you’re crying trying to zip up your last wearable pair of jeans – have your maternity clothes on hand for when you need them. My advice is this: have a few key pieces of maternity wear at the ready. But you might want to hold off on buying a new wardrobe until you know exactly how your particular pregnancy will hit your particular body.
5. How many times you will go to the bathroom in a cup
If I ever become an OB in another life the first thing I will say to my pregnant patients after “Congratulations! You’re pregnant!” will be, “Please expect to go to the bathroom in a cup no fewer than 3,000 times over the next 8 months.” This will not only set expectations appropriately but give a realistic first insight into just how dignity-stripping parenthood will be. This is also an excellent warm-up for never again having the luxury of peeing alone.
6. The last month is going to be pure torture
Around month 8 is typically when all the “bad things” you hear about pregnancy start to really come to fruition. You’re at your heaviest, you’re tired again, and you’re panicking. You’re either panicking about getting everything ready or are ready and just want to actually have this baby you’ve been preparing for (or a little of both!). While you’re probably panicking about the addition of a new little human into your family, you’d rather have them outside than in. The last month of pregnancy tends to feel like it takes another 8 months and you have little to no patience with anyone. There were approximately two things anyone said to me during this time that didn’t agitate me: “Would you like this seat on the train/bus?” and “Have this Wendy’s Frosty I just went out and bought for you!” Everything else made me either cry or fly into an unimaginable rage.
Pregnancy is a strange time in any mom’s life. Every emotion is just at the surface: excitement, terror, sadness (I cried once because there were no Brussels sprouts at the grocery store), giddiness, and everything in between. You will hear a lot of advice from every direction but just remember: in a few short months you’re going to be a parent! All these surprising things are nothing compared to the surprises of motherhood coming your way. I’ll cheers my Frosty to you in solidarity!
Taylor Wood is making it through motherhood with the grace of a camel on ice skates. Follow her journey at Motherhood – WHAT?!
